For kitchenophiles only...volume 1I


Here's the second volume of kitchen gadgets The Motley Monk has found in the marketplace, along with some of The Motley Monk's slightly sometimes irreverent commentary.



Item: OCD chef cutting board



A couple of year's back, The Motley Monk's friends from Tulsa, Dr. Stone and Minette Hallquist, presented the Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) chef cutting board to The Motley Monk as a Christmas present.  Minette may have been a tad worried about this particular gift because of its implication that The Motley Monk has OCD.

In a subsequent telephone conversation, Minette very gingerly brought up the topic of the OCD cutting board.  After The Motley Monk told Minette how much he enjoyed the OCD cutting board, she exhaled a sigh of relief, telling The Motley Monk that both she and Stone were a bit hesitant to give the gift, for fear of hurting The Motley Monk's feelings.

Forget The Motley Monk's feelings!  It's a great board.

Etched into the beech wood surface are several helpful guides.  They provide exact measurements, precise angles, and helpful definitions for making the most expert of slices, dices, and juliennes.

The only drawback is that the OCD cutting board a bit too small for a big job.  However, the information is easily transferable to a larger cutting board.



Item: banana bunker



This terribly misnamed gadget actually is a great idea!

How many kids who "brown bag it" for lunch at school each day end up with a schmushed banana, only having to toss it into the trash can?

This gadget is a great idea to "protect and serve"!  That is, to protect the banana and to serve it without stain or blemish.

The Motley Monk actually thinks the gadget should be called the "banana condom."  After all, this ribbed version does what it's supposed to do and comes in a variety of colors.

So, go ahead.  Practice "safe bananas."



Item: grilled cheesus

The Motley Monk has read stories of many apparitions over the years, especially of the Blessed Mother.  She's alleged to appear in some of the strangest places: knots in trees, shadows in clouds, and food as well.

But, The Motley Monk has found a kitchen gadget that brings Jesus right into a grilled cheese sandwich.

No, The Motley Monk kids you not!


The "Grilled Cheesus" is an electronic sandwich press, sort of like a Panini maker, that toasts Jesus' face right into the bread.

Think of the fun that can be had by inviting the pastor of the local parish for lunch one Friday during Lent and presenting him a Grilled Cheesus sandwich...especially yelling out from the kitchen in a trembling voice, "Father, come in here, right now.  Something very strange has happened!"



Item: the condiment gun

Sometimes parents will do just about anything to get their kids to eat their meals, perhaps even by exercising their Second Amendment rights.  For these parents, the "condiment gun" fits the bill.

This kitchen gadget masquerades as a toy gun that shoots ketchup.


The gun appears to perform the job it's assigned pretty well.  But, even with the protective cap, The Motley Monk is wondering if the gun gets clogged up like those squeezable, plastic ketchup containers?  Imagine checking to see and shooting yourself, your sibling, or your spouse in the eye with ketchup!  Lots of great fun to be had, no?

The Motley Monk is searching for a yellow, mustard gun and a holster as well.  Imagine donning a cowboy hat and swaggering into the kitchen with that left and right handed double shooter hanging on your hips before sitting down for lunch!

"So, you wanna mess with me?"

If The Motley Monk had that as a kid, there sure would have been a lot more fun at the lunch table with his brother!



Item: Mustard Marvin bottle topper

Speaking of locating a mustard gun (not a ketchup gun loaded with mustard), for those parents who think the Second Amendment should be abolished, the "Mustard Marvin" bottle topper provides a more acceptable and politically correct option.

Take a gander at this gadget, which is screwed onto the top of any regular, yellow mustard jar.


Imagine the great fun to be had with Mustard Marvin at the table.  Not just making gagging and wretching sounds as you squeeze mustard onto a sandwich, hot dog, or hamburger.  Think also of those great sounds a regular mustard container makes all on its own!

With a little creativity, meal time will be more than nutritious.  It'll also be memorable!



Item: yet another new type of fork

The "Switchblade Spork" might be used to accompany the condiment guns The Motley Monk discussed above.

Made of metal and plastic, this utensil snaps open with the push of a button, extending to 11 inches long.


Imagine the fun to be had after a ketchup and mustard shoot out at the dinner table and then challenging a sibling or spouse to a knife fight using switchblade sporks.

"You're gonna poke an eye out!"



Item: some more completely useless gadgets

"A picture is worth 1000 words."  What can The Motley Monk possibly add?


                  "The canapés are lovely!  But when I drink some                                              "Your vintage Vinderhosen are
                champagne, the canapé goes straight up my nose!"                                                      all the rage, Dear!" 


                      "Try to fool me, will you?  Well, take that,                                         "In this version of the movie, the woman's
                            you stupid head of romaine!"                                                             got King Kong in her right hand!"



The Motley Monk has even more gadgets to post to this blog at a future date.  If you have other gadgets to add to The Motley Monk's collection, forward them and The Motley Monk will post them, with commentary, of course!





Want to go to "For kitchenophiles only...Volume 1"?  Click on the button:




Want to go back to The Motley Monk homepage?  Click on the button: