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When someone
complains to me about how lousy Sunday homilies are and how the homilies
delivered in the parish generally “don’t speak to me,” I normally ask in
response, “When was the last time you went to confession?”
In response,
I’ll oftentimes get a puzzled look.
I purposely
ask that question because, over the years of working very hard to
deliver Sunday homilies that speak to the members of the congregation
about the spiritual and moral issues raised by each Sunday’s scripture
readings, I have formulated an hypothesis. It is:
The
degree to which a priest’s homily speaks to the members of the
congregation is the degree to which its members are honest with the
priest about their spiritual and moral lives in the Sacrament of
Penance.
Think about
it: for each member of the congregation the quality of a homily depends
not so much upon the priest’s ability to write and to deliver something
attention-getting, attention-sustaining, instructive, and perhaps
somewhat entertaining. All of that is secondary. What is primary is
how the judgments parishioners make about the quality of homilies are
entirely dependent upon the parishioners’ honesty in speaking with their
priests about the spiritual and moral challenges with which the
parishioners are dealing. Then, the rest—that secondary stuff—is up to
priests. They must first reflect and pray about these challenges.
Then, they need to conceive a way of writing and delivering the homily
that will engage parishioners in considering the strength,
encouragement, and direction the Sunday scriptures offer. This two-part
process is how parishioners will experience a homily they can call
“meaningful.”
The first
part of that two-part process may not just be an hypothesis. It
actually might be the first law of homiletics! That is, if members of
the congregation want to hear something about what the Sunday scriptures
say concerning the challenges of marriage, of raising kids, of growing
up and maturing, of failure, sin, and the need of God’s grace, of
suffering and pain, of dying and death—all of the stuff wherein we
sometimes fail and sin—then the only place where a priest will learn
about the spiritual and moral issues confronting “the people in the
pews” is from them.
A priest can
read the newspapers and popular magazines or watch t.v. talk shows and
soap operas to get some clues about what’s challenging the members of
his congregation spiritually and morally. A perceptive and “finely
attuned” priest can also hazard a pretty accurate guess about what’s of
spiritual and moral significance to the members of his congregation.
But, experience teaches me that the best place where priests learn about
these important matters is in the Sacrament of Penance. Over the years,
I’ve discovered that the homilies which members of the congregation
respond to best—meaning the homilies they really “listen attentively
to”—are those formulated in response to matters that members of the
congregation have raised in the Sacrament of Penance.
In hearing
confessions during the past year (or perhaps two years), I have noted a
new spiritual and moral issue now challenging perhaps at least one half
of the members of our congregation. When this issue first came up in
the Sacrament of Penance, I didn’t know exactly how to handle it if only
because I had never dealt with it previously. So, I relied on “divine
inspiration” to assist me in addressing this issue as I spoke with
penitents about how they might deal with it.
That wasn’t
enough for me, though. I found myself needing to probe a bit more
deeply into this spiritual and moral issue and to learn more about it,
so that I might better assist penitents bringing this issue to me in the
Sacrament of Penance. I also spoke with fellow priests about this issue, but
they didn’t offer any really solid suggestions about how I might assist
those confessing and/or asking for assistance in the Sacrament of
Penance.
So, just
this past week I spent several days at a conference in Chicago that
addressed this issue.
At that
conference, I attended sessions where this issue was discussed. I also
had the opportunity to speak for a bit of time with one of the world’s
leading experts—a clinical psychologist—about this issue, the threat it
poses, and what priests can do to help those who have succumbed to it.
I did all of this because I learned about the issue when hearing
confessions. I know I had to do something, but I wasn’t sure what.
Thus, it is because of the honesty and integrity of those
penitents—fellow members of the congregation who were looking for
spiritual and moral guidance—that I sought to learn about and how to
deal with this issue. If these penitents had not been so full of
honesty and integrity, I’d have never thought about investigating this
issue and I’d not be speaking with you about it today.
One of the
things I learned at the conference I attended this past week is that
women learn primarily through the sense of touch. In contrast, men
learn primarily through the sense of sight. Women take in information
and judge it based upon what the experience feels like.
Men take in information and judge it based upon what it looks
like. A woman’s attention is stimulated by touch; a man’s attention is
stimulated by sight.
I also
learned at the conference that this spiritual and moral issue afflicts
many members of our congregation, certainly more than we know about and
perhaps a greater number than we’d think likely. It challenges the male
members of our congregation specifically—and I mean males of all ages,
from sixth grade up—and this issue is purposely designed by people
interested in ripping males off by appealing to the male sense of sight. Why? So that males will be ensnared by an addiction
they will not be able to break of their own will power.
You may be
wondering exactly what that spiritual and moral issue is. I hope I have
your attention. So, I am going to name it today. And, I am going to talk
about what you need to do if you are to deal with this issue
successfully.
What is this
spiritual and moral issue? Internet pornography and cybersex. Why are they
so powerful and addictive?
Well, it all
starts with visual stimulation. But, it doesn’t end there. It gets
worse.
Internet
pornography and cybersex seduce men—through the promise of anonymity—to
believe that they can engage in a fantasy world of graphic sex pictures
and videos, sex talk, and auto-eroticism without ever being
discovered. Internet pornography and cybersex websites are
designed explicitly to attract the male eye, to stimulate and
focus their brain waves, and to stir testosterone so that the male
actually comes to believe that he needs to engage in a fantasy sex life
and, furthermore, that doing so is entirely appropriate because of
anonymity and no consequences.
Face it
guys, we’re suckers for anything that attracts our mind’s attention
through our eyes and distracts us from thinking rationally. We respond
almost automatically to what we see.
Thinking
back to the story of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, recall that
when the primeval couple disobeyed God’s command not to eat of the tree
of knowledge of good and evil—which, if they did, would make them like
God, that is, they would know everything—Adam and Eve did so based upon
the promise that there would be no consequences.
But, we all
know differently.
The very
first thing Adam and Eve did after being disobedient to God’s command
was to engage in a cover up. Not only did they sew fig leaves together
to hide something they had never noticed before (viz., their nakedness)
but they also hid in the bushes. And so, the scriptures tell us, one
consequence of disobedience was that Adam and Eve introduced enmity into
human existence. Enmity in their relationship to God, to each other,
and within themselves.
Likewise, I
have learned that there are consequences of devastating proportions for
men who engage in Internet pornography and cybersex, all long walking
down the merry pathway to addiction while falsely believing that there
will be no consequences.
One
consequence is that, once introduced to Internet pornography and
cybersex, a male will surf the Internet with increasing frequency and
greater secrecy. It’s
sort of like a dog that marks off its territory. The male engaged in
Internet pornography and cybersex will find a secluded place where he is
all alone and surfing the Internet will go undetected. In addition,
once exposed to Internet pornography and cybersex, a male will
inevitably seek even more graphic visual and aural depictions to satisfy
one’s ever-expanding appetite.
Why the
secrecy and graphic depiction?
First,
because the male knows that engaging in this behavior is wrong. How do
we know that? If the male did not believe it wrong, he wouldn’t try to
hide his behavior. That’s why guys hide pornography: it’s the fig
leaf. But, it’s also a clear signal that the male is becoming ensnared
by what is growing into an addiction. Second, because of that
knowledge, the male feels terribly guilty. At the same time, however,
he also finds himself incapable of doing anything about his desire.
Why? Because this guilt-ridden fellow now needs the visual and aural
stimulation provided by Internet pornography and cybersex to satisfy
what is quickly becoming an expanding desire for auto-erotic
stimulation.
To deal with
the feelings of wrong and guilt, men who are now becoming addicted to
Internet pornography and cybersex will rationalize that engaging in this
behavior isn’t “wrong” or “harmful” or “evil.” No, for the addict, it’s
value-neutral entertainment—the stuff of fantasy—like Star Wars
and Lord of the Rings. “I’m not addicted,” he will argue if
confronted. But, as the addict’s behavior proves, he can’t seem to live
with or without Internet pornography or cybersex. So, to quell these
conflicting desires, the addict must become even more stealthy in
keeping his Internet pornography and cybersex addiction secret.
It’s
important that we notice where the addict’s energy is now being
directed. Certainly not in the direction of real human relationships
and the real stuff of life. No, the addict’s energy is being directed
towards engaging in a fantasy world populated by “fake” human beings,
women whose bodies oftentimes are not as God created them but as plastic
surgeons and photographers can reshape them and their bodies certainly
are not being used as God intended. Instead, what we have are
women who have allowed themselves to be used in a way that pornographers
have determined is necessary to seduce men into making them willing to
pay for a fantasy each knows is not reality.
How awful it
must be for the wife of an addict to know that she isn’t the “girl of
his dreams”—he wants her to be his “porno queen”—and yet not know what
to do or how to engage her addicted husband in an authentic relationship
with a woman, as God has designed. Equally awful or perhaps even more
awful it must be for the addict to know this truth in his heart and to
feel absolutely powerless in overcoming it and constantly falling prey
to needing his addiction satisfied. Yes, he says he loves his wife but
he doesn’t know what true love is all about. Instead, he fantasizes
about some other woman he lusts after. Thus, the addict confuses love
and lust, the former a life-giving sacrificial act and the latter an act
of abuse.
Building
upon all of the secrecy and guilt, addicts come to view Internet
pornography and cybersex as something that’s not part of them but as
something existing in a box somewhere outside of and beyond them. That
is, addicts know deep inside of their hearts that they are not living in
reality and are engaging in self-destructive behavior. So, to deal with
the guilt, addicts will split the Internet pornography and cybersex
“part of themselves” out of and away from their “self-definition.” And,
although they engage one or both, addicts doesn’t believe that either
pornography or cybersex characterize them as human beings.
That’s why
many addicts will go to church and pray privately.
However, it
must not be overlooked, the person they present to God both in church
and in private prayer is the person the addict wishes to be and for God
to see. “Here I am, God,” the addict prays, “I’m really a good guy.
See how hard I’m trying to be?” It’s all a con. Not only to God, but
also to those who love the addict. The addict, however, knows in his
heart that he’s a con incapable of loving anyone but himself.
That’s also
why, when an addict is confronted with his behavior—for example, a wife
may show her husband or parents may show their son a printout of their
Internet histories—the addict will deny his addiction, offer very clever
reasons to explain away the facts of his behavior, and promise never to
engage in either Internet pornography or cybersex again. Ever more
deceptive is how an addict will learn to expunge his web surfing for
porn and cybersex from his Internet browser’s history.
Do you
appreciate how debilitating this is, spiritual, morally, and sexually
speaking and why so especially for males?
What is
important about Internet pornography and cybersex, as I learned at the
conference I attended this past week, is that both are similar in nature
to an illegal drug or narcotic. They promise and deliver something that
makes a slave of its effect upon the male’s body and brain. The eye
gazes and the image imprints itself upon the mind. To satisfy one’s
desire, increasingly graphic images are needed and thus the male is
hooked, willing to pay fees to participate in an increasingly unreal
fantasy called “love.” But, it’s lust to which he has grown addicted.
Internet
pornography and cybersex produce guilt, self-hatred, remorse, emptiness,
and pain, which in turn cripple the man, driving him ever inward,
further away from reality, further away from true love, and lost inside
of his mind. Seeking to fill up what is lacking, the addict’s habit has
made true intimacy impossible. That’s why a male sexual addict can
never know real sexual union with a female because he is addicted to
fantasy. He went for the “chemistry,” the connection that had the
magic, because it by-passed intimacy, true union, and the sacrifices and
responsibilities that true love otherwise entails. The fantasy corrupted what is true and lust has
destroyed the addict’s ability to
love. The tragedy is that, in conning himself, the sexual addict
sacrifices his spirituality, morality, and sexuality as well.
To teenage
males whose parents limit your use of the Internet, put filters on
incoming information, and put blocks on websites containing certain
words and phrases in their address, I say get on your knees, thank your
parents, and say a prayer for them! They may be saving you from making
choices that will render you incapable of becoming a real man, as God
intends.
Parents: do not allow a computer in a private area like a
bedroom. Never. Keep the computer in a public place, in full view of
what’s going on. A computer is a tool for accessing pertinent
information, not a toy for stimulating sexual pleasure. Also, do
not allow your son to possess pornography.
Too many
parents—especially Moms of young teenaged boys—are tempted to say upon
discovering a son in possession of pornography, “Don’t worry, boys will
be boys. It’s just a phase he’s going through.” Just as
marijuana is a gateway narcotic to drug addiction, so too pornography is
a gateway narcotic to sexual addiction.
Grandparents: pray for
your grandsons that they don’t
fall prey to pornographers who are waiting for a new group of young men
who are just becoming sexually aware. Pray that your grandsons be
given the strength of will to resist crossing the threshold of
pornography and descending into it clutches as addicts. You have a
very important role in the lives of your grandson’s. You might
even speak with them about the dangers that Internet pornography and
cybersex present.
To young
adult males who have the freedom to surf the Internet in the privacy of
your living space, I say “Don’t….please don’t even try.” The risk to
your life as a spiritual, moral, and sexual man is simply too great a
price to pay for a fantasy that is guaranteed to lead to your
destruction. Yes, your interest in seeing what’s out there for the
offering will not be fulfilled. But, I can infallibly guarantee that
you will not end up psychologically dependent upon fantasies that will
render you incapable of living the kind of life God has created you to
live, namely, a real life as a loving man, husband, and father.
You may also
think
“I’m strong.
I’ll just sneak a peek and observe. I won’t get hooked.”
Psychologists call that the “De Sade” rationalization, after the Marquis
de Sade (as in “sadism”). Yes, you may be one in very few males
who have sufficient power of will to overcome the unbridled power of
desire and interest in things sexual. But, in the long run, you
will be hurting yourself no matter what...just as a sadist takes
pleasure in inflicting pain not only upon others but upon oneself as
well.
To those men
who have surfed the Internet for pornography or cybersex and, through it
all, the fantasy has became psychologically debilitating or, worse yet,
you have surrendered your power of will to a fantasy that now paralyzes
your mind, I learned this past week that the only way out of your
debilitating spiral of sexual addiction is to seek help. You simply
cannot muster the power of will to stop engaging in and acting upon the
fantasy you wish was reality but realize is destroying you. You’ve
filled your mind with so many memories that you no longer can expunge
them because you no longer possess sufficient will power to do it
successfully for any prolonged period of time. You require a program if
you are to recover.
In short, you need to
attend a Sexaholics Anonymous meeting.
Sexaholics
Anonymous is a fellowship of people who share their experience,
strength, and hope so that they may solve their common problem and help
one another to recover from their debilitating addiction. The only
requirement for membership is the desire to stop lusting and to become
sexually sober. There are no dues or fees; SA is self-supporting
through its members’ contributions. SA is not allied with any sect,
denomination, politics, organization, or institution; SA does not wish
to engage in any controversy; the organization neither endorses nor
opposes any causes. The primary purpose of SA is for its members to
stay sexually sober and help others to achieve sexual sobriety to its
12-step recovery program.
In today’s
gospel, Jesus tells his disciples,
Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and
whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me; and
whoever does not take up his cross and follow after me is not worthy of
me.
For Jesus,
being a disciple requires leaving everything behind. To leave mother
and father, in Jesus’ culture, was considered absolutely taboo. The
family tribe (or “clan”) was considered of penultimate importance, so
much so that to leave one’s family behind and to strike out on one’s
own—something we very much value in our culture—was something few would
consider even thinking about much the less actually do.
For Jesus,
being a disciple also requires accepting—if not embracing—pain,
suffering, and death. This is certainly a countercultural message for
most cultures, and especially for our culture. Think about it. We get
a headache and the first thing we do is to run to the bathroom cabinet
and take an aspirin to relieve the pain. If it’s a super-sized headache
that we have, we take “extra strength” aspirin. When we’re feeling
lonely and down after a difficult week or a bungled relationship with a
spouse, in laws, kids, friends, neighbors, or coworkers, there are all
sorts of narcotics available—some legally and others illegally—each of
which will aid us to change how we’re feeling. In or culture, we will
practically do anything we can to avoid pain, suffering, and death.
What that is called is
“denial.”
That all
sounds nice, fit for a holy card.
“Thank you,
Father, for your nice message.” But it doesn’t have the “bite”
that Jesus intended.
In our
generation, leaving everything behind also includes leaving behind
addiction to sexual fantasy and embracing the suffering that will enable
those ensnared by it to conquer their disease without the use of any
additional narcotics. An addict must name his addiction as a first step toward
recovery. Then, through that death, there is the promise there of new
life. As St. Paul wrote to the Romans:
We were indeed buried with Christ Jesus through baptism into death,
so that, just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the
Father, we too might live in newness of life....Consequently, you too
must think of yourselves as dead to sin and living for God in Christ
Jesus.
For those
who are sexual addicts, today is the day to consider and to act upon
Jesus’ teaching: “…Whoever does not take up his cross and follow after me
is not worthy of me….” Through the pain of leaving a fantasy world
behind, through the death of that which you naively believed would give
you life without any consequences, the power of Jesus’ resurrection offers you new life and new
hope…the very divine life God breathed into you when He created you in
His image and likeness.
How can you
achieve this as a Catholic man? A good first step would be to go
to confession and name your sin.
As
Jesus’ disciples, we are not to judge and to condemn these weak and
broken men.
Yes, they have chosen to become enslaved to sin but they can be saved, if
they choose to be saved. We are obliged to love these men enough
that we are willing to beg God to bring them healing and wholeness.
This is the ministry of love, forgiveness, and healing that Jesus
brought into the world so that all of us will live in newness of life.
A brief commercial
break:
The
topic of Internet pornography and cybersex is of such grave importance
that parents and educators should inform themselves about its dangers
for males beginning first at puberty and lasting perhaps throughout their lives.
Arguably, Sexaholics Anonymous (SA) is
the first if not the best place to begin
understanding the debilitating effects of sexual addiction.
Click onto their webpage to read what SA
seeks to achieve and the resources SA has available to those males who
are addicted and for those whose love leads them to be concerned about
an addict:
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HOMILY
