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I recently happened upon Dr. Gary Chapman’s recent book, The Five Love Languages. A Christian counselor, Dr. Chapman has learned from his clinical counseling practice that each of us has a primary love language, that is, a way of understanding what others say and do that communicates love. There’d be no problem if we all spoke the same love language. But, unfortunately, we don’t. For example, most couples don’t share the same love language, making it difficult for spouses to express their love for each other in a way that the other spouse understands and appreciates. The outcome? One spouse oftentimes will wonder whether the other truly loves him or her. Have you ever thought or said, “You just don’t get it, do you?” or “I don’t think you care for anyone but yourself” or “That’s nice” (meaning, “Goodness gracious, what in the bejeezes do you think of me?”). Dr. Chapman notes that after the first or second year of marriage—once the initial spark has begun to fade—many couples find their “love tank” running near or at empty. While many of these spouses may have been expressing love for each other, the reality is that they have been speaking a different love language than the one their spouse uniquely understands. The best way to fill your spouse’s love tank, Dr. Chapman stresses, is to express your love in your spouse’s love language. To this end, Dr. Chapman describes “five emotional love languages” that spouses can learn about and, then, to express their love in the way that one’s spouse uniquely understands. These love languages include:
At one time or another in their marriages, I’m fairly certain most spouses have deeply desired to experience being loved in the unique way they understand. According to Dr. Chapman, it isn’t all that difficult for one spouse to communicate one’s love in a love language that the other spouse will understand. All it requires is loving your spouse more than yourself enough to be devoted to learning how your spouse uniquely understands love and, then, to communicate your love for your spouse in the love language that your spouse uniquely understands. It also seems to me that Dr. Chapman’s advice is applicable for parents. Once a child begins to develop a “sense of self” and becomes more “independent,” the initial “tingle” associated with being a parent begins to wither and fade. In response, many children discover their “love tank” running on empty. While many parents may believe they have been expressing love for each of their children, the reality is that many parents may have been speaking a different love language than that which each child uniquely understands. The best way for a parent to fill each child’s love tank, Dr. Chapman would stress, is for parents to love each of their children more than themselves by being devoted to learning how each child understands love and, then, to express love in each child’s unique love language. Of course, this requires some discernment. From their parents, young people deeply want to hear words of affirmation. Young people also desire their parents to spend quality with them. What child doesn’t hope that Mom or Dad will come home and with a surprise gift? Moreover, although most parents already do an awful lot for their children, one little act of service—like showing interest in a child’s hobby, homework, or activities—communicates a big gift of love. And, I think it safe to say, there isn’t one young person—especially a teenager—doesn’t relish it when a parent gives a hug or a kiss in public, although he or she may protest mightily. Which love language speaks best to each of your children as a unique individual? Speak it loudly, clearly, and often! Lest I forget, I also believe Dr. Chapman’s advice is applicable for children. Did you know your parents have different primary love languages and that your task is to determine how best to express your love to each of your parents in a way each will understand that you love them? Your task involves loving your parents more than yourself enough to be devoted to figuring out which unique love language each of your parents speaks. Once you figure this out, then you’ll need to ask yourself: Should I use words of affirmation, spend some quality time, give a gift, perform a little act of service, or give a hug or a kiss to Mom and Dad? Which love language does each of your parents speak as a unique individual? Now, speak it loudly, clearly, and often! This is how each child can fill a parent’s love tank, Dr. Chapman would suggest. I wouldn’t be so foolish as to state that Dr. Chapman provides a fool-proof tonic for all that ails so many troubled marriages and families today. But, I will be so audacious today as to state that if every spouse and every parent and every child made an honest effort to speak to each other in the primary love language that each of them uniquely understands—to love each other enough to fill each other’s love tank—many troubled marriages and the lives of many families members would improve dramatically! As important as this is and as powerful as can be in healing what ails many marriages and families, faith reminds us not to forget the most important thing, something that Dr. Chapman doesn’t mention in his book but is the challenge today’s gospel places before us. Just as Jesus asked Simon Peter three times, “Do you love me?”, we must ask ourselves: “What language of love does God uniquely understand?” Perhaps many of us have been expressing love of God, but the reality is that we have been speaking a different love language than the one God uniquely understands. So, we need to ask ourselves: Do I even know that God needs to be loved? Am I devoted to loving God and using the language of love that God understands? I’m not so sure many of us have thought deeply enough about how much God needs us to love Him, just as spouses need to be loved by the other, as children need to be loved by their parents, and as parents need to be loved by their children. And I am fairly certain that far more many of us don’t have a clue about the primary love language that God understands. So, let’s attempt to answer those two questions. How does God need to be loved? and What is the unique love language that God understands? Fortunately, Jesus has already provided the answer to both questions. When the Jewish religious leader responded that the greatest of all the commandments is “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind” (Luke 10:25-28), Jesus commended the man. That’s the answer: The way God needs us to love Him and the love language that God understands is intensity. If we’re going to be serious about loving God in the language that God uniquely understands—the language of intensity—we must love God more than we love ourselves enough to commit ourselves to a life of devotion to and study of God. So, what doest that mean? And, what does it require of us? Just like being devoted to your spouse and for parents to be devoted to your children or for children to be devoted to your parents, the lifestyle of devotion to God requires loving God more and more and studying about God more and more so that each of us will know God and love God with ever-increasing intensity. This should be our primary pursuit in life—the organizing principle of our daily lives—from which everything else proceeds. When we speak the love language of intensity, this provides the sure foundation to ensure that our relationship with God will always comes first so that everything else we do each day—the love language we speak as we write, speak, and teach others what we are learning about God in the love language they will understand—will reveal the wealth of God’s love abiding within us. If you think about it, beginning each day without taking some time to be intense in our love for God is to run our “love tank” on empty. We will not only the waste the entire day chasing after frivolous pursuits that have nothing much if anything at all to do with love of God, but we will also grow increasingly fatigued. More importantly, when we begin each day without taking some time to be intense in our love for God and we run our “love tank” on empty, we fail to speak the language of love that God uniquely understands. Conversely, when we begin each day by devoting a bit of time to be intense in our love for God, our “love tank” gets refueled as we pray about our hopes and fears, our questions and concerns, as well as our needs and intentions and listen for God’s voice to respond to the prayers of our hearts and minds. Authentic prayer from the depths of the heart is how intensity in love for God refuels our “love tank” so that, like the apostles in today’s first reading, we will obey God rather than men and, when we are found worthy to suffer dishonor and disrepute for the sake of what love of God requires of us, we will rejoice and not be sad. In today’s gospel, Jesus asks Peter three times “Do you love me?” Like Peter, all of us have failed to live fully our profession of love of God by using the love language that God understands. Like Peter, we can demonstrate that we love God with intensity when we love God devote ourselves a bit of time each day—as we are today, this morning here in this church—to love God more and more so that we study about God more and more. Ultimately, this is the language of love that will enable us, like Peter, to stretch out our hands and allow God to dress us and lead us to that place where we do not want to go. For some of us, we do not want to go to the nursing home. For others of us, we do not want to go to the length it will take to repair a relationship gone awry. There are still others of us who do not want to go into the “lion’s den” and say what we truly believe to others for fear of what they will do to us. But, we will go willingly, if only because we love God with ever-increasing intensity which, in turn, refuels our “love tank” each day with love of neighbor so that we will speak of God’s love in the way they will understand.
How your family might celebrate the Easter Season: Easter is so important that it cannot be celebrated in just one, single day. To celebrate Easter appropriately, the Church takes fifty days (forty days leading to the Ascension and ten days leading to Pentecost Sunday, fifty days that culminate on what used to be called "Quinquagesimea Sunday"). These are the days that constitute the entire "Easter Season." Here are four simple ways you might celebrate the entire Easter Season with your family: 1. Place a white pillar candle in the center of your kitchen table. Each night before dinner, assign a member of your family to light the candle and to recall what a person said or did that day to reveal the Risen Lord. As part of the blessing prayer, give thanks to the Lord for the gift of that person. 2. Take a daily walk around the neighborhood. Identify one sign of new life each day. After completing the walk, sit down together as a family in the living room or family room and relate each sign to the new life that God has given all of us in the resurrection of His only begotten Son. 3. Invite an estranged family member, relative, or friend (or a family member, relative, or friend who hasn't been to visit for a while) to dinner each of the Sundays of the Easter season. Before the prayer of blessing over the food, read a resurrection appearance where Jesus says to his disciples, "Peace be with you." Following the blessing of the food, offer one another the sign of peace before partaking of the meal. 4. In preparation for the Solemnity of Pentecost, have each member of the family on Easter Sunday write down on a piece of paper a gift of the Holy Spirit that he or she needs in order to become a more faithful disciple. Fold and place these pieces of paper in a bowl in the center of the kitchen table. At dinner each evening, pray the "Prayer of the Holy Spirit" to send for these gifts upon the members of the family so that your family will become a light to the world. Then, before the prayer of blessing over the dinner on Pentecost Sunday, burn the pieces of paper to call to mind that the gifts have already been given in the Sacrament of Confirmation. The challenge is now to live out those gifts in the ordinary time of our daily lives.
Easter is an event that happens each and every day. During the fifty days of the Easter season, in particular, you and your family can prepare to make Easter happen each and every day of your lives by "practicing" these simple exercises which connect Jesus' risen life to yours as well.
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HOMILY
