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One
idea can quite easily be gleaned with just about absolute certitude
from today’s gospel: Listening to Jesus wasn’t one of his disciples’
particular strengths.
Rather than listening to what Jesus has been teaching through his
words and example about how to live as one of God’s beloved through
humility and service where
“the last come
first and the first come last”,
the disciples continued to think in terms of other, more worldly
things, like prestige and recognition.
Nothing’s
new here, and throughout
history this has been called the “Me-First Syndrome.”
To
get his disciples’ attention so they would listen, Jesus said: “So,
what do you think? A man had two sons.”
Jewish listeners who were familiar with the Hebrew Scriptures and
heard this reference to two brothers would immediately conjure up
memories of those infamous Biblical brothers who always seemed not
to listen to each other, to misunderstand each other, and whose
competitive natures almost always led to conflict and alienation.
Remember Cain and Abel? Remember Jacob and Esau? How about Ishmael
and Isaac? And, then too, don’t
forget
Joseph and his brothers.
The story didn’t always end with a Hallmark moment.
Well, being an enlightened, post-modern male, I’m getting a little
tired of males always having to bear the brunt of the burden of sin
and guilt! After all, it’s not as if Adam was the first to eat the
fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil in the Garden of
Eden.
So, to consider Jesus’ teaching about discipleship, humility, and
service, let me begin today in this way: “So, what do you think?
The Dunphys had two daughters.”
The eldest, Haley Gwendolyn, is a typical 16-year-old. Haley isn’t
particularly intelligent, but she is especially cunning. Yet, Haley
is also rather naïve, especially as this evidences itself when Haley
argues with her parents. Embarrassed by her dad and believing her
mom is a ditz, Haley doesn’t listen to either of her parents.
Instead, Haley is always talking with her friends on her cell phone
because Haley’s primary concern is being one of the most popular
girls at school. Haley lives entirely for the approval of her
peers. So, what Haley’s friends have to say defines her
ever-changing, moment-to-moment calendar.
The younger of the two daughters, Alex, is 14 years old. She’s the
most intelligent and clever of her three siblings. An overachiever,
Alex plays the cello because she calculated that she would have a
better chance at playing in a university orchestra than if she were
to master the violin. Alex enjoys messing with Haley’s mind, taking
advantage of her naïveté and inferior intellect by tricking Haley
into believing unrealistic things. One time, Alex convinced Haley
that she could charge her cell phone by creating static electricity
by rubbing the battery on her hair. As much as Alex enjoys
torturing her sister, Alex is extremely sensitive about being
perceived by others to be a “geek,” and this leaves Alex vulnerable
to Haley’s particularly vicious assaults upon Haley’s self-esteem.
While Alex has a certain sense of self, its foundation crumbles when
Haley goes on the attack.
Try as they might in their attempts to get Haley and Alex to get
along, their parents—Phil and Claire—can’t seem to get their
daughters to listen. It’s
a far cry from St. Paul’s plea to the Philippians: “Do nothing
out of selfishness or out of vainglory; rather, humbly regard others
as more important than yourselves, each looking out not for his own
interests, but also for those of others. Have in you the same
attitude that is also in Christ Jesus....”
Phil Dunphy is Claire’s husband of 16 years who views himself as a
“Cool Dad.” Phil believes in a parenting method he calls
“peerenting,” a combination of talking like a peer but acting like a
parent. Constantly on the hunt to find ways to bond with his
children, Phil’s juvenile attitude and competitive nature always
seem to get in the way of achieving his goal. Both Haley and Alex
believe their dad is an embarrassing geek.
Claire had a successful job in hospitality management, but left her
job and married Phil a few months after she became pregnant with
Haley. Once while visiting with one of her former colleagues and
seeing the success she now enjoys, Claire’s resentment continues to
simmer just beneath the surface because Claire abandoned her
potential career to be a stay-at-home mom. Also, during Claire’s
teenage and young adult years, she was a “wild-child” whose many
mistakes now imprison her with paranoiac fear that her
children—especially Haley and Alex—will repeat her mistakes. Claire
is especially worried about and tries to control Haley’s
independence and irresponsibility as well as Alex’s manipulative
nature. Haley and Alex cause their mom a lot of stress because they
won’t listen to her.
Now, what’s wrong with this picture?
Haley and Alex are rivals, each seeking to be more important in
their parents’
eyes. To achieve this goal, Haley and Alex engage each other in
battle, taunting one another in ways that allow them to blame the
other and, so they believe, to win their parents’ esteem. In turn,
Haley and Alex’s sometimes non-stop battles cause frustration and
stress for their parents. But, the truth is that Haley and
Alex both care more about themselves than each other or their
parents.
I’m no Dr. Phil, but I think it is eminently clear that both Haley
and Alex appear to suffer from the “Me-First Syndrome.” They are
competing to define who they are as individuals. They
desperately want to demonstrate those differences and for their
parents to appreciate and value them. However, both Haley and Alex
believe they are not getting equal amounts of parental attention,
discipline, and responsiveness. And, despite Phil’s immature
“Cool Dad,” “peerenting” approach to being a father and Claire’s
paranoiac fears that her daughters will make the same bad choices
that Claire once made, the daughters’ conflicts only increase their
parents’ stress, generate more animosity and conflict, and actually
increase sibling rivalry.
Haley and Alex not only are not listening to their parents, but they
also are not listening to themselves. If they did, it wouldn’t
take long for either of Haley or Alex to figure out that the root of
their rivalry is not jealousy. No, it’s
the
need for others—and in this case, their parents—to make Haley and
Alex feel secure in themselves as unique yet beloved. That is why,
when either Haley or Alex perceives the other to be receiving more
parental attention, another round in the battle of the “Me-First
Syndrome” immediately ensues.
Interestingly, studies of sibling rivalry indicate that tormenting
and fighting with siblings as a way to get parental attention
appears to increase in adolescence, the age group 10 to 15 seeming
to have the highest level of competition between sibling. This
makes sense, in that those are the years when young people are most
unsure of themselves and their place in the world.
But, sibling rivalry—like
that consuming Haley and Alex—can
continue into adulthood. Believe it or not, nearly 33% of adults
describe their relationship with siblings as contentious or distant.
The antidote to this spiritual disease is simple, if only Jesus’
disciples—and Haley and Alex as well—would think in terms of
humility and service. Asking themselves, “Why do I need to be so
important in the estimation of others?”, the disciples—and Haley and
Alex as well—might begin to develop some insight into why they feel
the need to put others down rather than build them up. The
disciples—and Haley and Alex as well—might also develop some insight
into why they really are so needy of affirmation from other human
beings. It’s not that affirmation from others isn’t important.
But, when affirmation from others becomes the center of our lives,
we’ve forced the God who created us and endowed each of us with a
variety of unique gifts out of the picture. This is the fullness of
the “Me-First Syndrome,” where we seek to earn worldly prestige and
recognition by using the gifts God has entrusted to us solely for
ourselves and our profit.
Humility can heal this spiritual disease as we learn to appreciate
how others are different from us as well as how God had endowed
others with gifts and talents that, when they are properly
developed, can serve others’ needs. Humility also makes it possible
to appreciate that we are different from others and how God has
endowed each and every one of us with gifts and talents that, when
we properly develop those gifts, we also can serve others’ needs.
And, when all of us can appreciate one another as well as ourselves
and put our God-given gifts at the service of one another, this is
how—as Jesus’ disciples—we contribute our unique part to the
building of God’s kingdom in our homes, neighborhoods, workplaces,
nation, and world.
Today’s gospel parable about the two brothers provides a glimpse
into the radical nature of God’s Kingdom and how easy it is for us
to claim to be disciples but not to live as disciples. Yes, we may
hear. But, we don’t
listen. Instead, we pay lip
service that is merely an outward mouthing of empty promises and
pious posies. This is the opposite of the inward acceptance of
the Gospel that evidences itself in repentance and change of
behavior when we not only hear but listen to Jesus teach about
humility and service and, then, as we love one another as God has
loved us.
While it’s so very easy to identify the disciples’ lack of
listening, it’s not quite as easy to consider the fact that, like
Haley and Alex, we also don’t listen to what Jesus has taught us
about living as God’s beloved, especially when it comes to being
humble and to serving others. One test of discipleship—to
determine the degree to which we follow Jesus—is
found in our relationships with our parents and siblings. Are
we humble in serving them?
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HOMILY
